My Italian friend Andy has invited me to post over at his website Border Gazette. I thought Andy had better judgment than that. This is exactly like giving a member of Congress your car keys, Visa card, and telling him where your wife’s panties are kept. Despite this, Andy did somehow manage to come up with two reasons for this horrible faux pas.
Andy is somehow laboring under the impression that I know something about firearms. It is said that knowledge is currency, so in that case I’m suffering a liquidity crisis. Happily for Andy, I’m in tight with the Federal Reserve of information, who promise to buy up all my bad ideas and give me a few billion words to stimulate my situation. I can also rely on the IMF of shooting wisdom, AKA my wife. She has more World and US championship trophies than President Obama has tee times. That said, getting information from her is rather like getting a straight answer from the President if you’re not a golf pro or a coke dealer.
Andy’s other reason is that he needed some “English Content”. Obviously Andy has never read my blog. I happen to be sorely lacking in that particular commodity.
Yet and still, this presents a wonderful opportunity to say fine things about Italians. Of course, being a Conservative the accounts must balance, so I also get to say terrible things about the rest of the Europeans.
I do truly love the Italians. The Italians gave us the basis for engineering good roads, decent government, and literature. Never mind that being Italian they lost the recipe and it took the rest of us 1500 years to rediscover them again. Sadly, the Italians are still looking in their national pants pockets for it, which still puts them 1500 years ahead of the Greeks and the Spanish.
The Italians also gave us “spaghetti westerns” which is the worlds worst descriptive title. They won’t allow you to bring pasta in the movie theater, and the actors dress like someone that wandered off from the gay pride parade. Not to mention, unless they meant the West Village that part was hopelessly wrong. On the bright side, the Italians did prove more adept lip synching than the Japanese.
Italians do make two things I have a passion for, namely firearms and automobiles. More than that, they make them in a variety that translated says…”Come on in, we have a little number in just your price”. Want something that is equal to the finest made anywhere in the world? Take a look over here at this new Bugatti or this fine Berretta shotgun. Want something a little more affordable? Over here we have an Alfa Romeo and a Berretta model 92. Sure they have some quirks, but they have style and for the most part they work. Shopping at the lower end today? Take these Armi San Marco and Fiats. Seriously, take them for the love of God.
I would beg to differ with that general impression on one detail. Fiats and Armi San Marco products are not remotely cheap, given that their actual utility is as boat anchors or paperweights. In that case they are brutally expensive.
To be fair to the Italians, cranking out tinfoil Fiats and crappy Armi San Marco single actions still puts them about 1500 years ahead of the French. The EU should kick Germany out if only for supplying the French with the steel to make Peugots, and if it weren’t for the Belgians the French would go about armed with nothing more substantial than an escargot fork. It also puts them a good 100 years ahead of the Brits in these areas, and about 1500 years ahead in dentistry. As if that weren’t enough, when it comes to food the Italians are so far beyond the British and Germans as to make one wonder if they are the same species.
Having thoroughly insulted every European country that matters ( except the Germans, who are self-parody) it appears that my first effort for Andy is at a merciful end. It does however beg the question whether I shall be pestered for further contributions. I wonder what Italian for “No” is?