Being unemployed and middle -aged in modern America is rather like the aftermath of a ECW cage match between Real Life and The Economy versus you and Jean-Jacques Rousseau. Bloody,beaten and barely able to stand, you can only scream " What kind of social contract was that? For the love of God man throw an elbow, pretend you're Nietzsche for second and grow a pair. How do you say "Pile-driver" in French?"
Yet then in the depths of ones' depression and defeat comes a marketing idea so ruthless, cynical, and obviously inspired by Lucifer, that one may only question the universe and say "Why didn't I think of that?". I can only respond in my defense that while I may have sold my soul to Satan, I signed my brothers name.
Perhaps due to the fact I am on the unemployment role, I received in the mail just such a direct mail flyer. I read it with the same morbid fascination as I would guess one has at seeing a "Donkey Show" for the first time. A little outside of Piedras Negras Mexico. With a couple of friends and some local who knows the "Manager" and has a sister employed there.
Upon further review, I realized that this might present an entirely heretofore unrecognized revenue stream. Why, if food stamp recipients could get phone service, they might be eligible for other goods and services. I immediately thought of student loans and home mortgages. What else goes better with mac 'n cheese than something to read and a place to enjoy same? To my chagrin, I discovered that the Federal government had not only beaten me to this idea, but had sent my kids the bill. That pretty much shoots my retirement plan all to hell. How am I supposed to meet a wealthy retired woman if I can't get into a quality nursing home in Florida?
Yet, I am still an American, and we don't give up quite so easily. Unless, we hurt our knees, or maybe have a flat tire at the same time we run out of beer while trying to dodge pre-schoolers. The point is we persevere, and by doing so triumph anew, or least make bail.
With my work ethic reinforced and my imagination stimulated, I saw the obvious flaw in this evil and manipulative marketing plan, namely ; How the hell is a telephone company going to cash food stamps? Even as thick as the Federal government may be, I don't think that "We need the cans to go with our string" is going to work.
As it turns out, I have the perfect plan. MY flyer will read: Get Food Stamps....Then Get Pizza!!!...and Hookers. This is perfect because pizza is a food, and equipped with a stamp becomes money. This also takes advantage of the time honored auxiliary sale or added value.The perfect transaction would be someone ordering several pizzas and several hookers,combining dine-in with delivery. Needless to say, some fine print will be involved. Possibly lawyers.
I figure, worse case in this business model is that I end up with a bunch of food stamps,pizzas and hookers delivery personnel. That just means I can hold an awesome poker game and network.